Relationships can hold closeness, care and familiarity, but also moments of distance, frustration, uncertainty and hurt.

Sometimes couples come to counselling because they are going through a particularly difficult period. At other times, there may not be one clear problem, but rather a sense that communication has become harder, that the same conversations keep repeating, or that something in the relationship no longer feels as it once did.

Couples counselling offers a space to slow things down and look together at what is happening between you.

Making space for both experiences

Two people can live through the same relationship very differently.

One person may feel unheard, while the other feels constantly criticised. One may seek closeness, while the other needs space. Arguments may appear to be about everyday things, while underneath them there may be feelings of disappointment, loneliness, insecurity, anger or fear.

In counselling, the aim is not to decide who is right or wrong.

Instead, we try to understand the relationship more fully: how each person experiences it, what happens between you during difficult moments, and what may be difficult to say or hear when emotions become intense.

Having a space where both people can speak and be listened to can sometimes make it possible to see familiar difficulties differently.

When couples seek support

There is no single reason for coming to couples counselling.

Some couples seek support because they are experiencing repeated conflict or difficulty communicating. Others may feel emotionally distant from one another, be struggling with trust or intimacy, or be trying to find their way through an important transition.

Parenthood, work pressures, illness, loss, changes in family life, separation, or the creation of a new family structure can all place strain on a relationship.

Sometimes past experiences also become present within a couple's relationship. The ways we learned to seek closeness, protect ourselves, respond to conflict or manage vulnerability can shape how we relate to the person closest to us.

Couples counselling can provide a place to explore these experiences with curiosity rather than blame.

Communication and patterns that repeat

Many couples describe finding themselves in the same conversation again and again.

The subject may change, but the pattern feels familiar.

Perhaps one person withdraws while the other tries harder to be heard. Perhaps one becomes defensive and the other increasingly frustrated. Sometimes both people are trying to protect themselves, while each experiences the other's reaction as rejection or lack of care.

Recognising these patterns can be an important part of the work.

Rather than focusing only on what was said during a particular argument, we can begin to explore what happens underneath it and what each person may be needing at that moment.

Parenthood and family relationships

Becoming parents can bring profound changes to a relationship.

Alongside love and connection, there can also be exhaustion, less time together, changes in intimacy, different expectations around parenting and increased practical or emotional pressure.

The relationship between two partners does not exist separately from the rest of family life.

For this reason, my work with couples also considers the wider context in which the relationship exists: children, family histories, responsibilities, losses, cultural expectations and other relationships that may be important.

When a relationship is uncertain

Not every couple who comes to counselling knows what they want to happen.

Sometimes one or both partners may be unsure whether they want the relationship to continue. At other times, separation may already be part of the conversation.

Counselling does not need to begin with a predetermined outcome.

It can instead offer a space to think more clearly about the relationship, understand what has brought you to this point and consider what each person needs moving forward.

When children are involved, this space can also support conversations about how changes in the couple relationship may affect the wider family.

A trauma-informed perspective

Our relationships are shaped not only by what is happening in the present, but also by what we have experienced before.

Loss, difficult family relationships, childhood experiences, trauma and experiences of insecurity can influence how we experience closeness, conflict, trust and vulnerability.

A trauma-informed approach does not mean that every difficulty is understood as trauma.

It means remaining attentive to the experiences behind a person's responses and recognising that behaviours which appear difficult within a relationship may sometimes have developed as ways of protecting oneself.

Understanding this can help create greater compassion for both ourselves and one another.

What happens in couples counselling?